-20 days until your estimated birthday

you father (who has been pretty calm and collected throughout the entire pregnancy so far) is finally facing the reality that you are really coming and coming soon. he's been my rock the past 8 months. he's helped with keeping everything in perspective and was good at keeping me somewhat sane.. but i think it's my turn now to help him get ready for you.

almost all the materialistic things you need is ready for you.
dr. kim thinks you won't be staying inside until may 14th. as of now, you are coming early. i think we get a better idea at this saturday's doctor's appointment. (btw.. you've been covering your face for the last few ultrasounds, so we don't know what you look like anymore. maybe you're camera shy like your parents).

when i was young.. i used to have a list of what i would not do as a mother. i was worried that when i became an adult, i would forget all the things i hated about my own mother and repeat the same cycle with my kids. now that i have grown up i've realized...

- my mom is still the same, so i never forgot about the things i didn't want to repeat as a parent.
- i can see that years of planning how not to become my mother was not a good thing in the end. it clouded my memories of all the good things my mom did for me and my siblings (more on that later). i've decided to try to think of all the things that i love about my mom and be that & more for you.


as i was typing this post, you are doing the usual rhythmic punching with your arms but also stretching out your feet at the same time. it's like you're telling me.. "i want oooouttt!!"

-25 days left until your estimated birthday

so today.. i got cankles.
my feet were so bloated by the end of the day that my feet would not properly fit
into my rainbow sandals. this feels ridiculous.
my ankles look like i sprained them.
the lines/wrinkles on my feet have disappeared.
looking at my hands and feet, it reminds me of the overweight people in wall-e.
this day made me feel progressively more and more cranky and irritated.
it was one of those days that i thought would never end.
i want to say tomorrow will be better, but it will be just as busy as today.

my feet look like the michelin man's.

-27 days until your estimated birthday

ONLY 3-4 WEEKS UNTIL WE MEET YOU, TITUS!!

i freak out every day now.
my body is getting heavier with each step.
i will eat something and it makes me gain double the weight.
it feels like i've been waiting in line to get on a roller coaster.
now i'm in the seat, all strapped in, going up the steep climb before the crazy dips and loops.
my palms are sweaty and my heart is racing. there's no turning back.
it will be exhilarating and chaotic.

you are growing bigger and running out of room to wiggle around. your movements are more deliberate and hard. you shift from left to right. you are awake/move around for much longer now. you must be feeling restless too. haha.


"get your nipples ready, Titus" - mom.


Sunday afternoon, your dad, aunt Jessica, and i were hanging out, as usual. aunt Jessica wanted to know if we would let you get piercings or tattoos. I think you can get any piercing, as long as you're 18 or older. Because tattoos are permanent, and people ever change and grow, I would want you to get one in your 20's, after you've given some thought to what is so important to you that you would want to inscribe on your body to have as a daily reminder. if i think of something that important and permanent, i would get a tattoo.

as for your dad... he said you can get anything pierced.. even your nipples.
but you must know that he will pull on your nipple ring everyday. haha.

-36 days until your estimated birthday

I might as well put it out there...

we are worried about the name Titus. we chose it because it sounds strong, bold, different (i've never met a Titus in my life) and biblical. It means defender or title of honor. He was a Greek Christian missionary to whom Paul wrote the canonical letter Titus (a book in the Bible).

we are worried about people calling you tit. titty. tight ass.

if we have to give you a nickname... i would personally prefer ty. but if people insist on calling you any of the 3 names i've listed, i'm hoping it would give you a good sense of humor or build character.

Titus was the name we had in mind from the beginning.

I thought it would be fun to name you Luke, because I saw a clip where a dad said, "Luke, I am your father" into a pregnant mom's stomach. I also thought that Anakin sounded like a cool name, but he becomes darth vader in star wars.

we are still working on your middle/korean name. maybe we're still working on your first name too?

-38 days until your estimated birthday

nightmares.

apparently.. these types of dreams are common.

i had a dream that we were living in an awesome industrial loft that was huge. it was a week after your birth and your dad's friends came over to meet you. we were downstairs welcoming them in when i realized that it had been a week since you were born and i had not fed you nor changed your diaper EVER. i had a panic attack and i was running upstairs to check if you were still alive when i woke up from the dream.

your dad went to sleep with his hands on my stomach and as a consequence..
had a dream that he was feeling you kick. the kicks got stronger & stronger, and you ended up kicking your way out of my stomach and came out like a monster.

so. yea.
we are definitely ready for you.
we have no fears whatsoever about becoming first time parents.

-41 days left until your estimated birthday

this past weekend your dad and i went to a Star Wars exhibit at the discovery science center. they had actual models and costumes from some of the movies. your dad was so excited. when he was young in korea, he watched star wars episode IV every day after school, to the point he memorized all the words.

for our one year wedding anniversary we took a road trip to San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle. we missed the star wars exhibit in seattle by a few weeks, so when we heard it was going to be in LA, we knew we had to go.

at the science center, it was the first time we were surrounded by so many pregnant moms, babies, toddlers, and kids. the entire building was filled with sound and movement. i was surprised to find peace and quiet in the bathroom. while we were waiting in line to get into the exhibit, your dad and i talked about where we would take you. the zoo, aquarium, and science center would be a must. your dad wanted to know when we would have time to visit all these places. when i told him i could take you on the weekday mornings, he refused. even though it could be more convenient, he doesn't want to miss out on going to new places and watching you experience them.

the exhibit itself was okay. i thought that the exhibit would have been larger with more behind the scenes information about each model. they did explain how some of the cars were made and shot to look like they were floating.

we are bad at remembering to take pictures.
we are also surprisingly very un-photogenic. haha.
we always go somewhere and think, 'why didn't we bring our camera?'
we are trying to work on that. in preparation for you, we are buying a video camera.
your dad was really excited at the exhibit.
i've never seen him take so many pictures at one place. (i think he's a geek.)

at 33 weeks, i'm starting to feel like i'm ready for you to come out,Titus, so we can go out and experience all the things we've been planning.